Days of the Raj

When one is in Nuwara Eliya (affectionately NOT known as NE, but rather as some sort of slurred nelly – ahhh) one simply must take tea at St Andrews. Bypass the deprivation and those living under tin roofs held on against the monsoon only by tyres. Skirt away from those scrabbling to make a living through selling bits of rock they pick up. Head instead for a hotel straight from the days of the Raj with elegant topiary and unbelievable woodwork to partake of something from the extensive tea menu, served with cucumber sandwiches by a veritable flurry of waiters. Later, enjoy ones Remy with a cigar rolled on the milky thighs of Cuban maidens. The kids discovered Bollywood videos and were utterly mesmerised, leaving Joe and I time to relish our brandies. Bliss.

The hotel brochure boasts blogs by doubtless invented Brits such as Diana and Andrew: “Andrew and Jack took off to the immaculate 18 hole course while Linda and I shopped with a vengeance for fine silks and expertly made local crafts.” Yeah, sure you did.

The entertaining literature went on … The Island newspaper has possibly the world’s best horoscope.
Mine was optimistic, with “Sudden influx of income from a last will or from property. Your finances are favourably high. Receive cooperation from your sons and brothers to improve your condition. You take interest in writing, literary activity or drama. You may receive cooperation from your spouse.”
That sounds unlikely however on reading Joe’s: “Moon moves in 9th and 10th with Saturn in lagna. Mentally deranged over the attitude of your colleagues. Confronted with an enemy encounter. Some controversy with your spouse over a domestic issue involving elders, transfer of property or a house construction. Take care as you are accident prone. You may separate temporarily from your spouse over a family dispute.”

Though mentally deranged, Joe was not warned, as Rhys was, to “take care against a cerebral ailment.” Joe’s luck worsens as Rowan is told “Associate with men of high social standing. You father’s health may detereorate.”

We wet ourselves laughing in the otherwise terribly refined surrounds of the St Andrew’s Hotel. This beautiful but highly anachronistic place is straight from the glorious days of Empire, but it is by no means isolated: the hillsides are dotted with mansions and old British tea plantations that line the British made railway. The fields grow broccoli and carrots, introduced by the Brits. The climate is cool at 2400 metres above sea level. It is hardly surprising that the Sinhalese dub Nuwara Eliya Little England.